I want to share with you folks one of my life’s greatest achievements. Albeit recently; I developed the ability to meditate. Simple, normal, beginner level meditation.
If that’s not intriguing enough to keep you reading, don’t worry it gets rather juicy.
To start I finally took off the “training wheels” which was the candle exercise, something I’d been clinging to as a crutch for too long. I was wanting to shift into meditating to videos of various hz’s and mandala visuals, etc., something I’d always been rather repelled by and apprehensive of due to the religious/belief hyped titles and descriptions of the videos.
Looking back, I see now that that was only part of the grounds for my apprehension. There was also a subconscious fear of these potentially being a means of mind-control/negative psychic influence which seems to be confirmed by Bermuda’s conversation with Billy Meier* back in March regarding telenotic impulses.
Long before I’d read this I had similar suspicions yet brushed them off as groundless paranoia. It seemed a bit silly that something that were supposed to be tools to help one relax and focus, could be used to enslave ones mind and disperse hatred and unpeace. I realize now the only “silliness” was me underestimating the malice of the powers that be.
Even meditative tools can be harmful – If allowed.
My Return to Hell
Via Jedi’s suggestions (and before I read contact 705), I decided to give these videos a try.
It began, continued and ended with mortifying, atrociously dreadful results. The first attempt was a 10 minute session. During which time every raw, disturbing, horrifying negative emotion ever experienced throughout my life (of which there were many) stormed through my body and mind, emotions and feelings I’d thought long since overcome. Emotions, feelings and thoughts so terrible, I’d forgotten such dismay was possible. I had sick urges to rip off pieces of my own body and hammer them into the wall. That was the raw frustration, aggression, rage, and pure self-loathing brought about by my failures to concentrate.
Having no particular desire to go out in such a state of manic self-dismemberment, I put those videos aside and went back to the candle.
Naturally, this made me feel like a failure, and a weak one at that. The gnawing frustration was so intense that the candle was serving no beneficial purpose, other than to continually remind me of my weaknesses throughout the duration of the sessions.
Increasingly frustrated, I decided to give the videos another try. Sure enough the same hateful feelings and emotions flooded into me. Self-pitying thoughts stormed through unrelenting: “You can’t do this, You can’t concentrate, you have ADHD, this is dangerous; go back to the candle, you haven’t perfected that yet; you shouldn’t be trying to hang in the “big leagues”; remember reading something Billy said somewhere about maybe becoming Schizo if you meditate wrong? Well, you’re doing it wrong; you’re probably already are schizo, that’s why this whole Meier case appeals to you, you’re insane like the rest of them”
And other feeble thoughts: “oh If I had only gotten a better nights sleep, if only I waited an extra hour after eating, if I had this tea earlier in stead of that….I should stop and go eat some ice cream and watch cartoons to escape this trauma least I commence with the self-mutilation.”
The Abyss stared back
I was staring off the chasm into insanity at this point. My mind felt like it was splitting apart. Something needed to happen here, one way or another. I had a necessary to life decision to make – to let these fears subjugate me yet again; to crawl back into the timid, sheepish, habitually half-hearted adhering to the spiritual teaching; to be left behind in the shadows of my peers, brothers and friends as they continued striving into unimaginable heights – or to stand my ground stare my fears down; to become a human being of a truer sense.
I stared deeper into that abyss, deeper, ever deeper through the insanity and everything it carried with it. Until, finally, it dawned on me; what’s the worse that could happen?
Becoming insane? Even if I got swallowed up by the madness. It’s not impossible to fight my way back out (I’d done it before), there’s always light shimmering in the darkest of depths, if only sought.
Losing my life? There’s still the next, and the thousands to follow after that.
Neither of these prospects sounded so bad as continuing a cowardly existence.
Really then, what’s truly the worst that could happen?
To give up yet again.
Come at me Insanity
Whether you are “supposed to” smile during meditation or not, I didn’t care. I sat there and I smiled, and I listened. Listened to all these same worn out voices of worry, doubt and fear. Nodding my head saying “uh-huh, uh-huh, Yeah? Oh? Really? Is that all?
After several minutes of facing my fears dead in the face, my initial frustrations were beginning to lose ground to sheer boredom. I realized these fears only went so deep, and at this point were really nothing new. Tracing them to their roots I found nothing rational about them. They had nothing to offer. Why was I still “listening” to them? This was valuable time passing here, why should I spend it entertaining this nonsense?
I dismissed them. Cast aside with a mental flick of the wrist. I was going to do what I needed, and what I wanted.
I began to meditate
Of course that session didn’t get deep by any means. Yet the simple fact that I was able to sit there and remain calm for 20 minutes without letting any thoughts of worry, etc., “rattle” me was a huge success. I had proven to myself that I could do it. I could stare insanity and despair right in it’s abysmally hideous face, sigh, roll my eyes and turn my attention to something greater. Something much greater. Toward the recognition of that which is true; that these things could only really harm me so long as I allowed it. This realization became impenetrable armor.
Of course the tedious thoughts came back on occasion especially during that initial session and the couple meditations which came after, yet it was in a profoundly ever-weakening wise, dwindling to the point where they weren’t worth the slightest acknowledgement and have essentially vanished entirely. With that initial decisive success I’d built a foundation of which I pulled myself up out of the hell I’d sunken myself into. I’d learned to meditate simply by realizing that I could.
That’s not to say I meditate perfectly every time, as other thoughts and distractions of various other natures do pop up quite frequently. Now I simply adjust and equip myself with the abilities necessary to deal with them.
Those hateful thoughts and emotions were a malign mix of the unaddressed issues of my past paired with external negative telenotic “attacks”. Powerful attacks from powerful forces, which can serve to break a person’s mind, if such should be allowed by the one concerned.
The points are still in question; can meditation have dangerous results? Can being in front of a computer screen be dangerous as well? Wouldn’t that then make meditating in front of a computer screen detrimental?! The all-encompassing answer to these questions is perhaps. Yet the real, most important question remains:
Are you letting such fears daunt you?